The following is an open letter to all Union members of the AFL-CIO (Animal Federation of Labor—Cats Inside Outside):
It has come to my attention that during my leave of absence you chose to abjure the time-honored code of work ethics contracted between you, hereinafter referred to as “The Cats” and me, hereinafter referred to as “The Boss”.
The Boss is NOT amused. Nor am I impressed with the Union’s decided lack of fulfilling contractual duties and the mediocre level of work to which you have all descended. I must, however, impress upon Union members that this missive is primarily directed at the Inside Cats unit.
As clearly delineated within the contract, it states that Inside Cats shall be responsible for the finding, catching, and disposing of all interior vermin, hereinafter specifically and primarily referred to as The Mouse or Mice.
Let us review the Inside Cats’ duties as pertains to vermin control, specifically MICE.
Inside Cats are engaged based on their competency and skills in mouse catching. Only the best are hired for this exacting job. The method of entrapment and catching of all interior Mice is strictly left up to the individual Cat as long as the entire contract is fulfilled. (Please see illustration of an acceptable mouse-catching method below)
Timely, complete, and sanitary disposal of said Mice shall constitute an important and mandatory aspect of job fulfillment and be the responsibility of The Cats. In return for said job fulfillment The Boss shall be responsible for warmth, love, food, and veterinary costs, to include, but not be limited to, worming of The Cats.
THIS MEANS I should not have to return to discover my bathroom resembles an abattoir. The fact that I was forced to hire a Forensic Team to interpret the blood-spray pattern on my walls is not acceptable. All Cats shall submit a written report (mandatory) in order to explain how blood from a 5 ounce mouse was found 4 FEET above the floor on the bathroom wall. (See illustration below for an UNacceptable mouse-catching method)
THIS ALSO MEANS that all mouse-related body parts are to be removed from the area of engagement. I realize this is Hazmat duty, however there are correct disposal areas for this material. I do NOT appreciate finding a paw here, a head there, a tail across the room, nor a partial torso IN THE SHOWER. This is NOT how I wish to begin my morning as I stumble into the dark bathroom or other areas.
Neither is it an acceptable, nor a hygienic alternative, to roll said Mouse carcass in the bathmat so that I’m “surprised” when I straighten it out (which seems to happen while I’m nude and readying myself for a shower.) No. No. No.
The Inside Cats are NOT to appeal to other Union units, i.e. The Dogs, to perform any part of the job services for which The Cats have been contracted. To put this plainly, The Cats are not to request The Dogs engage in catching, killing, or disposal of The Mice.
(Please note illustration below for unacceptable cross Union unit work requests)
I shall expect an immediate resumption of quality work ethics from The Inside Cats and a cessation of substandard methods or there will be a training seminar. Slackers will be dealt with severely.
As for you Outside Cats, for the most part you have maintained your contractual obligations, though I wish to note a few issues. All corpses should be moved AWAY from the back door. This includes body parts for ANY animal. Hacking-up of indigestible forms of prey should be limited to the yard. I, too, dislike the gallbladder, so please refrain from leaving it for me.
All hunting methods and forms of prey are the sole discretion of the Outside Cats. So, in response to a request from that Union unit, the acceptability of the prey in the illustration below is strictly up to you. Knock yourselves out.
I hope we’ve cleared up this matter. Thank you, The Boss